Beer-tastic World Cup Jerseys: Group G

By Nick Sindt

Here we are! Under just two days to the greatest sporting spectacle the world has ever seen. No... not the monster truck rally at your local convention center. The World Cup! The pageantry, the globe's greatest teams and players, the crazed and delusional fans (looking at you, England).

But what about the team's jerseys? Every four years, and sometimes even more frequently, the National teams of nearly every country roll out new threads for materialistic consumers to salivate over and spend their hard earned dollars, yen, Euros, etc on.

How will you ever sort through all of them to decide which jersey you'll treasure for the next month?

Worry no more! The Free Beer Movement's Nick Sindt is going to walk you through all 32 teams' home and away jerseys and rate them based on (what else?) beer!

Previous Groups:
Group A
Group B
Group C
Group D
Group E
Group F

Here’s how the ratings will work; I’ll be ranking each kit on its design/uniqueness and purchasability (from a home fan’s standpoint) and the rankings will of course be done in beers as follows:

John Smith’s Extra Smooth = An Excellent design that deserves to be toasted with a fine beer; you don’t need to pound these back to look at it, but it’s beer and it’s the World Cup so we know you’re going to.

Summit [Insert Local Brewery Name Here] Extra Pale Ale = A solid design though it may not satisfy everyone’s pallets. You’ll only need two or three of these excellent brews before you lose your inhibitions and purchase the kit online in the middle of the night.

Miller Lite = A shallow and pedantic effort by one of the “big names” in the world, but it’s still an average beer/your national team’s kit so you can’t hate it, right?

Coors Lite = Thankfully Coors tastes and goes down like water because you’ll be drinking a lot of it to drown out the abomination that is this iteration of your team’s kit.

Bartles & Jaymes = Shennaigannery! Travashammockery! This kit is such an abomination you’d rather punish your liver, taste buds, and stomach with a wine cooler.

Group G

Brazil Home ------------------------------- Brazil Away

There’s not much Nike can do with the Brazil home kit without the purists being up in arms so there’s not much to say about this one. I'm pretty sure that Brazil could pull the jerseys they sporting for their Nike airport commercial ("ahhhhhhhhhhh hidey hi oh oh") from the 1998 World Cup and no one would have noticed.

Home Design = Coors Lite
Home Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Home Purchasability = Miller Lite

Again, Brazil always wears blue for their away color, but this time Nike put a lot of little white dots on it. It’s a more unique offering than we usually get for a Brazil away shirt, but let’s be honest, they will wear the shirt in competition maybe once and no one is really going to buy it.

Away Design = Coors Lite
Away Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Away Purchasability = Coors Lite

North Korea Home --------------------------- North Korea Away

Maybe it’s because I was born during the cold war between the US and anyone who was supposedly communist, or maybe it’s because North Korea is communistic, but this kit just screams “commie.”

Home Design = Coors Lite
Home Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Home Purchasability = John Smith’s Extra Smooth (Kim Jong Il made me say it!)

Honestly I was really holding out hope that the "away" kit would be this sweet tan that "Dear Leader" always has on, but alas, no.

Away Design = "Deigned and made in the Gaeseong Industrial Complex from the best of Korean labor"
Away Uniqueness = "Like a flower in the desert a unique beauty"
Away Purchasability = "Available in all DearLeader-Marts"

Cote D’Ivoire Home --------------------------- Cote D’Ivoire Away

I’ve grown tired of poking fun at Puma’s lack of originality.

Home Design = Coors Lite
Home Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Home Purchasability = Coors Lite

Puma’s ethnic portrayal of the African people is epitomized in their body-paint….I can’t keep that going with a straight face. At least the body paint stripey things are horizontal instead of vertical, and it looks like something a hip-hop anonymous artist from 1996 would wear.

Away Design = Coors Lite
Away Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Away Purchasability = Coors Lite

Portugal Home ---------------------- Portugal Away

It’s too bad that most of the Portuguese team is a bunch of d-bags, otherwise I’d give a solid endorsement of this kit. The stripe across the chest is unique, from all of the other Nike wearing squads, and looks decent with the white shorts (opposed to the solid maroon crayola look they’ve sported the last two years).

Home Design = Summit EPA
Home Uniqueness = Summit EPA
Home Purchasability = Coors Lite

Again, Portugal’s away shirt is another solid and unique offering from Nike, but I have to advise against buying it because of the associated douchebagginess that comes with it.

Away Design = Summit EPA
Away Uniqueness = Summit EPA
Away Purchasability = Coors Lite

Tomorrow..... the FINALE......Group H!

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