Beer-tastic Word Cup Jerseys: Group H

By Nick Sindt

Here we are! UNDER ONE DAY (holy shit!?!?!?) to the greatest sporting spectacle the world has ever seen. No... not the monster truck rally at your local convention center. The World Cup! The pageantry, the globe's greatest teams and players, the crazed and delusional fans (looking at you, England).

But what about the team's jerseys? Every four years, and sometimes even more frequently, the National teams of nearly every country roll out new threads for materialistic consumers to salivate over and spend their hard earned dollars, yen, Euros, etc on.

How will you ever sort through all of them to decide which jersey you'll treasure for the next month?

Worry no more! The Free Beer Movement's Nick Sindt is going to walk you through all 32 teams' home and away jerseys and rate them based on (what else?) beer!

Previous Groups:
Group A
Group B
Group C
Group D
Group E
Group F
Group G

Here’s how the ratings will work; I’ll be ranking each kit on its design/uniqueness and purchasability (from a home fan’s standpoint) and the rankings will of course be done in beers as follows:

- John Smith’s Extra Smooth = An Excellent design that deserves to be toasted with a fine beer; you don’t need to pound these back to look at it, but it’s beer and it’s the World Cup so we know you’re going to.

- Summit [Insert Local Brewery Name Here] Extra Pale Ale = A solid design though it may not satisfy everyone’s pallets. You’ll only need two or three of these excellent brews before you lose your inhibitions and purchase the kit online in the middle of the night.

- Miller Lite = A shallow and pedantic effort by one of the “big names” in the world, but it’s still an average beer/your national team’s kit so you can’t hate it, right?

- Coors Lite = Thankfully Coors tastes and goes down like water because you’ll be drinking a lot of it to drown out the abomination that is this iteration of your team’s kit.

- Bartles & Jaymes = Shennaigannery! Travashammockery! This kit is such an abomination you’d rather punish your liver, taste buds, and stomach with many a wine cooler.

Group H

Spain Home --------------------------- Spain Away

Adidas completely crapped the bed with Spain’s kit this time around. The Confederations Cup shirt was pretty sweet with a nice dark red with navy blue and gold trim, this year’s World Cup shirt looks so outdated that I’m surprised it doesn’t come with its own onomatopoeia comic dialogue bubbles. Though we shouldn’t be surprised given adidas’s current ad campaign.

Home Design = Bartles & Jaymes
Home Uniqueness = Bartles & Jaymes
Home Purchasability = Bartles & Jaymes

The away shirt for Spain is at least a decent color, but it’s still a pretty pedestrian template and effort.

Away Design = Coors Lite
Away Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Away Purchasability = Coors Lite
 

Switzerland Home----------------------------- Switzerland Away

Whether it’s because the Swiss are “neutral” non-fighters or because the Swiss FA requested not to look like doorknobs, their jerseys for this World Cup are the same as the Italian template except without the muscle-man chest spray painted on like some bad t-shirt at the state fair. The only downside of the away shirt (which is the exact inverse of the home) is that Puma has gone sans collar meaning that it’s only acceptable at the municipal golf courses and not the ritzy country clubs in your home town.

Home and Away Design = Miller Lite
Home and Away Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Home and Away Purchasability = Miller Lite

Honduras Home ----------------------------- Honduras Away

For the Honduras home kit this year, it looks like the Joma designers were a little confused; do they make it all blue, do they make it blue fading to white, or blue and white vertical stripes? Apparently unable to rock, paper, scissors or flip a coin, they decided to go with all three designs, which actually doesn’t look too bad, especially given the direction Nike took with next year’s Inter Milan home shirt…Rocking one of these shirts during the summer will earn you instant cool points with soccer hipsters, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Home Design = Summit EPA
Home Uniqueness = John Smith’s Extra Smooth
Home Purchasability = Summit EPA

The away shirt is a little boring with only the blue fade to white band across the upper chest holding over from the home design. Otherwise it’s a plain white t-shirt with some blue trim, like Greece.

Away Design = Coors Lite
Away Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Away Purchasability = Miller Lite
 

Chile Home ------------------------ Chile Away

A simple red shirt for Chile can only be spiced up by sexy Chilean models, which is exactly what their FA did to launch the kit. Looking at it without the sexy models not only saddens, but bores me as well.

Home Design = Coors Lite
Home Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Home Purchasability = Coors Lite

Not even sexy models can spice this bland offering up.

Home Design = Bartles & Jaymes
Home Uniqueness = Bartles & Jaymes
Home Purchasability = Bartles & Jaymes

We're done.... on to the World Cup!

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