Beer-tastic World Cup Jerseys: Group E

(Editor's Note: Sorry for the lack of content today. We've been working on a bunch of stories, but Blogger has been down.)

By Nick Sindt

Here we are! Under just four days to the greatest sporting spectacle the world has ever seen. No... not the monster truck rally at your local convention center. The World Cup! The pageantry, the globe's greatest teams and players, the crazed and delusional fans (looking at you, England).

But what about the team's jerseys? Every four years, and sometimes even more frequently, the National teams of nearly every country roll out new threads for materialistic consumers to salivate over and spend their hard earned dollars, yen, Euros, etc on.

How will you ever sort through all of them to decide which jersey you'll treasure for the next month?

Worry no more! The Free Beer Movement's Nick Sindt is going to walk you through all 32 teams' home and away jerseys and rate them based on (what else?) beer!

Previous Groups:
Group A
Group B
Group C
Group D

Here’s how the ratings will work; I’ll be ranking each kit on its design/uniqueness and purchasability (from a home fan’s standpoint) and the rankings will of course be done in beers as follows:

John Smith’s Extra Smooth = An Excellent design that deserves to be toasted with a fine beer; you don’t need to pound these back to look at it, but it’s beer and it’s the World Cup so we know you’re going to.

Summit [Insert Local Brewery Name Here] Extra Pale Ale = A solid design though it may not satisfy everyone’s pallets. You’ll only need two or three of these excellent brews before you lose your inhibitions and purchase the kit online in the middle of the night.

Miller Lite = A shallow and pedantic effort by one of the “big names” in the world, but it’s still an average beer/your national team’s kit so you can’t hate it, right?

Coors Lite = Thankfully Coors tastes and goes down like water because you’ll be drinking a lot of it to drown out the abomination that is this iteration of your team’s kit.

Bartles & Jaymes = Shennaigannery! Travashammockery! This kit is such an abomination you’d rather punish your liver, taste buds, and stomach with a wine cooler.

Group E

Netherlands Home -------------------------------Netherlands Away

Ahh the Dutch, with their orange, it’s tough to screw this one up. Nike has reverted the home kit to have black shorts (instead of the white they wore for the Euros) and thus the shirt is given black trim, with two white racing stripes down the side of the players’ ribcage. It’s simple, yet there’s enough going on to save viewers from total ennui, so it’s got that going for it, which is nice.

Home Design = Miller Lite
Home Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Home Purchasability = Miller Lite

Thankfully Nike decided not to invert the color scheme on the same template for the away version. Instead they placed two upside-down chevrons (archaic symbol for woman by the way) across the chest in the [former] Dutch royal colors of red and blue. While the concept is good, the execution is lacking; the chevrons are too far apart making it look like it was done by a pre-teen girl using a “Make your own soccer kit at home” kit. Also, the upside-down chevron idea was used in a much better way on the Mexico shirt in the 2006 WC, made by Nike.

Away Design = Coors Lite
Away Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Away Purchasability = Coors Lite

Denmark Home -------------------------Denmark Away

Do you think the conversation for the Denmark home kit when something like this?

Adidas: “Hey Danish FA what do you think of maroon with white trim?

DFA: “Sure but could you spruce it up a little? Our past kits have been a little on the boring side.”

Adidas: “Absolutely. How about some more white but in a cool “modern yet retro” [yes the adidas guys would probably actually make air quotes when saying this] pattern?”
DFA: “Awesome, we just got the Atari gaming system over here, maybe you could take some inspiration from that???”
Adidas: “What’s an Atari? Nevermind, we’ll find a way to make it work.”

While the design is unique, it confuses me as to how someone at adidas, or the DFA, got this design approved by more than one person. Aside from the weird 80’s frosted glass looking pattern across the chest, I’m confused as to why adidas felt the need to place their logo in a seashell on the sleeve.

Home Design = Coors Lite
Home Uniqueness = Summit EPA
Home Purchasability = Coors Lite

Wow, an away shirt with an inverse color scheme and nothing else. How creative!
Away Design = Bartles & Jaymes Away Uniqueness = Bartles & Jaymes Away Purchasability = Bartles & Jaymes

Japan Home ------------------------------Japan Away

Finally a kit that is not an utter failure from the three stripes; the sublimated samurai design on the traditional Japanese blue shirt with a weird red stripe coming out of the neck region. Weird, but what from the southeastern Asia region isn’t, but unique which is highly surprising from adidas.

Home Design = Miller Lite
Home Uniqueness = Summit EPA
Home Purchasability = Miller Lite

Again we see the white away shirt in the exact same design as the home. Due to the sublimated design and weird neck-bleed stripe this is wearable off the soccer pitch.

Away Design = Miller Lite
Away Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Away Purchasability = Miller Lite

Cameroon Home -------------------------Cameroon Away

Again, Puma has gone with a basic one color home shirt and a unique sublimation on the right shoulder for an African team. With Cameroon, though, that sublimated design is also repeated in a crest-type image on the left breast, which displaces the Cameroonian crest to the right breast.

Home Design = Coors Lite Home Uniqueness = Coors Lite Home Purchasability = Coors Lite

Again, Puma has gone with a vibrant color and “body-striping” for African team.

Away Design = Coors Lite
Away Uniqueness = Coors Lite
Away Purchasability = Coors Lite

Tomorrow..... Group F!

Support the Movement. Get the Free Beer Movement T-Shirt. Only from Objectivo.com