Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Tuesday XI: Republican Candidate Edition

By "The Other 87 Minutes" / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents 

As you might have heard, there's some kind of election-thing going on today (We hear it may be important or something). In honor of those brave Iowans who are secluding themselves in small rooms everywhere to argue about which, we bring you this, a squad made up of Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential nomination, past and present. The formation is a bit...unusual, but the primaries are never about balance anyway.

GK – Donald Trump – Unfortunately, the owner of our squad is one of those annoying megalomaniacs who forces the coach to insert him into the starting lineup.

RB – Herman Cain – Got pretty used to back-tracking and spending time on the defensive there in the end.
RWB – Rick Santorum – Covers the most ground out of anyone on the team. Unfortunately, he never seems to do anything but run around.
Eight of our XI in action.
RDM – Michelle Bachmann – So positionally rigid, she hasn't moved during a game for three years.
CM – Ron Paul – Never seems to get credit for his contributions in the center of the park, unless you count the vocal minority of people who spend all their free time making absolutely sure that everyone hears about how he never seems to get credit for his contributions in the center of the park.
RM – Tim Pawlenty – No wonder this team sometimes looks like it’s only playing with 10.
Right Carrilero – Rick Perry – A promising grab for our first team, but he's struggled to replicate his form from the lower leagues on the big stage.
RAM – Newt Gingrich – Like Giggs and Friedel, we can’t believe he’s still playing either.
W – Mitt Romney – Our cagey veteran, glad to pop up on either flank, wherever he can do the least amount of damage.
Possibly Jon Huntsman?
CF – John Huntsman – Does a good job getting into scoring positions in front of goal, but not even his teammates are paying any attention to him.
RW – Marco Rubio – Though he only expected to get a game if somebody died, when Chris Christie failed to show up, we had to put him in.
About "The Other 87 Minutes"

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The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.
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“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruyff
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1 comment:

  1. Absolutely Brilliant. Thanks for sharing The Other 87's Tuesday Tens.


"Anyone who tells me soccer is boring, I'm going to punch them in the face."
- Former Dallas Burn (aka FC Dallas) coach Dave Dir

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