Thursday, June 30, 2011

Toronto FC Signs Worst Person in the World to MLS Contract

Editor's Note: Toronto FC fans that are coming to this site.... this post is a work of SATIRE and should be treated as such. The Free Beer Movement is about building American soccer and Major League Soccer (including its Canadian teams). Read our interview with TFC's Red Patch Boys as well).

Also, we are not an FC Dallas blog... no idea where anyone would get that idea.

Real cute Toronto. Thought we wouldn't notice? Well... we did.

We see what you were trying to slip past us. It's not gonna happen. We're not happy with you.

Shhh. Shhh. Don't talk. Yeah we know you really took one for us hiring Jurgen Klinsmann as your "consultant" or whatever. We really dodged a bullet not naming him U.S. National Team coach. He's really shown his worth to TFC....

But this.... now this.... this is unforgivable. We know you're terrible and currently sitting at the bottom of the Eastern Conference, but there's no excuse for this.

Torsten Frings? Really? That's who you're bringing over as your designated player? Wow.

We know you're Canadian and all so it probably doesn't mean much to you, but this guy is a dirtbag.

You might even call him "the worst person in the world". Well, clearly YOU wouldn't call him that... you just decided to give him a bunch of money. Loonies, right? That's what you call it.

Well we're calling him "the worst person in the world" AND that you all are a bunch of loonies. How about that for a double slam?!?!

What? You say he's a nice guy? You say that he's a quality soccer player that's really going to shore up the TFC midfield and bring some much need organization to the squad? That one mistake shouldn't mar an accomplished career?

Paul. Paul! Roll the tape! Pause it right there... yeah... the 1:45 mark.


That's a handball. That should've been a penalty and then Landon Donovan would've converted then PK to tie the game. Clearly we would've gone on to win the match. Duh! Probably even the World Cup. Brian McBride would've never retired, Bruce Arena will still be the National Team coach today, and Chicharito would probably be an American citizen.

You're just rewarding bad behavior!

Can't believe you guys! We let you play in OUR league and now this is how you re-pay us.


But, hey... that Danny Koevermans seems like a nice guy. Good move getting him.

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  1. Asamoah Gyan and Daniele De Rossi weren't available.

  2. This entertainment model seems to work for the WWE. Just sayin'...

  3. @Steven... Confused as to what you're referencing and what you're trying to say?

    We're not well-versed in subtleties (as in we're stupid) so you'll have to spell it out for us.

  4. To be fair, I'm sure a Canadians embraced that moment. Time for that club in Mexico City, eh? Eh?

  5. It was, of course, a bit tongue-in-cheek but the the hero/villain model has worked for decades in wrestling. MLS gets a "bad guy", sticks him conveniently north of the border and we (everyone else other than the TFC fans) get someone to boo lustily. Adds to the fun.

  6. @Steven... gotcha. Now it all makes sense!

  7. Worst person in the world is Rossi. Everyone knows that...

  8. No, the worst person in the world is Rafa Marquez, but no MLS team would go anywhere near him would they, oh wait....

  9. That's hardly a Maradona. Sure the hand didn't get called, but it's not like he batted it out of the way.

  10. LOL, and then there's intentionally creating a goal with your hand, much more recently. But a guy like Henry would never be signed in the US, considering all the folks with a Irish background who live there... ;)


  12. It's all good. Thing's could be worse. We could unload De Guzman's contract and sign Materazzi.

  13. Anon at 2:18pm....

    That would really take the cake then!

  14. boo who...i remember the 2007 Gold Cup Semi Final...a man down and you needed a corrupt referee to call a blatant onside off to continue on to the final

  15. I thought satire was supposed to be funny...

  16. Fuck you all USA!!! That was a glorious year... I love watching you yanks go down!!! Burn Motherfuckers burn!!!!

  17. Anyone who didn't realize that was satire is a idiot.

  18. maybe dallas can sign owen hargreaves and we can call it even

  19. That might work. But honestly.. we don't care what Dallas does (or really that TFC signed Frings... that's their prerogative).

    Why does everyone in Toronto think this is a FC Dallas blog?

    Is it the quote above the comment box? That's just pro-soccer, not pro-Dallas.

    So confused....


"Anyone who tells me soccer is boring, I'm going to punch them in the face."
- Former Dallas Burn (aka FC Dallas) coach Dave Dir

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