Monday, February 27, 2012

John Harkes Is.... "The Commentator"

"I'm just as surprised as you all are that I'm coming back."
Editor's Note: With all due respect and a thousand plaudits to "Dirty Tackle" (It's only fair... they spun off one of our series, too) we present the potentially true life and times of America's favorite soccer commentator, John Harkes.

I'm baaaaaaaaack! Haha to all you haters. Here you thought you gave ol' John Harkes the "long-walk-off-a-short-pier" sorta thing.

Death, taxes, and John Harkes. Those are the only certainties in life. And death by listening to John Harkes... I heard that might have happened once, but I say it's an urban legend.

John Harkes cannot be held down. Of course, by now, you've heard the news that I'm back in broadcasting for Comcast SportsNet to do "color" for D.C. United games. It's not ESPN, but then again those guys were pricks. Always getting upset for me taking home office supplies. Don't worry... I've got "free pens" written into this contract with CSN. Free pens for Harksey!

I'm a little disappointed to no longer be working with that Ian Darke character. He sure knew how to do a really good impression of a British accent (Yup. Spoiler! It's fake!). Poor Taylor Twellman, though, he's got some big Harkes-sized shoes to fill now. I mean his feet are waaay bigger than mine. Haha!

A few months back you were all celebrating my demise. I retreated to the tree house decorated with posters of myself, to plot my comeback. It was just like after I got kicked off the 1998 World Cup team and came back to play in the 2002 World Cup. Wait... that might not have happened... I have a hard time figuring out what it real and what are parts of a screenplay I wrote about a dashing American soccer player and his rise to stardom.

Have you seen my goal in the FA Cup for Sheffield Wednesday?

Man! Play-By-Play guy Dave Johnson and I are going to have so much fun. It's a "getting the band back together" sorta thing with him and I when we worked together back in 2003. I wonder if he remembers me and all the good times we had. Him talking about about all the on-field action and me rambling unprompted about my playing days for D.C. Haha! Good times!

Ben Olson better watch out. I'm going to be all over him and his coaching this season. Second-guessing, calling out tactics and player moves, and professionally, yet, pretty unprofessionally calling for his head on broadcasts all season. I might even sneak in a few remarks about him dressing waaaay too nicely. You know a little "put some doubt in the Missus' head" sorta thing.

America! You might want to move to the Washington D.C.-area just to hear and see me again. And if you can't... well... there's always "MLS Live".... I'll be there, too.

Until next time.... remember 1989!

Read the previous entries of "The Commentator".

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  1. I will be interested to see how this decision goes over with the viewers of D.C. United home games. He was seen as being horrific while he covered games on ESPN and I know the United fans are very educated soccer fans that will not put up with poor commentating, even if old Harkesee is a former member of the Black and Red from the teams haydays.

  2. I think that this John Harkes is a pretty decent and nice guy, I had the huge life time opportunity to meet him one day and he was very open and humble, it totally changed the wrong concept I had about him


"Anyone who tells me soccer is boring, I'm going to punch them in the face."
- Former Dallas Burn (aka FC Dallas) coach Dave Dir

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