Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Tuesday Ten: If the UEFA Champions League was the Super Bowl edition.

By "The Other 87 Minutes" / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents

What if the Champions League final were treated with the same reverence as the Super Bowl... Here are ten phenomena guaranteed to occur.


1. David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Tom Brady in his underwear David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Avengers trailer David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Ricky Gervais in his underwear? David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham.

2. Adidas jumps the shark with a tasteless ad mixing the economic crisis in Greece with a Donald Trump 1% ad for his third party ticket to President. An incredibly confused Adidas executive claims that their email was hacked by a combination of Occupy Wall Street, Julian Assange, Malcolm X, and FARC

3. We're written thousands of words about soccer commercials before, but for this we'll keep it simple: Messi and Ronaldo, playing for a Big Mac.

4. Heineken takes a leaf out of Budweiser's book and creates a super nostalgic commercial featuring beefeaters playing a good ole fashioned game of soccer against each other. Think the Clydesdale football commercial meets the Royal Wedding, with a dash of UFC thrown in. Cameos by Vinnie Jones, Prince Harry, David Beckham, Wayne Rooney, and, of course, Paul Scholes.

Alternative programming:

5. The Puppy Bowl won't do for the UCL final, puppies are too American -- boisterous, adorable, and liable to make a mess if you leave them inside too long. For a more  European flavor, we suggest one of Fox Football, Vole Voetbaal, or Sheep Soccer, with a Hare Half-Time show.

6. You can be sure President Blatter is devoting all his resources towards the creation of a Lingerie Football Game during halftime.

Halftime entertainment:

7. Ravi Shankhar headlines with special guest Eric Cantona on trumpet. Shakira shakes her rumpus to some sort of salsa-inspired dance with Gerard Pique (taking a break from Pep's halftime talk). Dancers include Ronaldinho, Robinho, Pele, Ronaldo, and Luis Fabiano.

8. There's a million dollar post challenge sponsored by Heineken. One lucky contestant will have the chance to win the money by having ten kicks of the ball to hit both posts and the crossbar, blindfolded,
from the halfway line. No one expects the contestant to win, but Heineken has jovially promised each attendent to the UCL final a six-pack if he or she succeeds.

  Pre-game festivities:
  9. A six-hour pre-game featuring the analysis of Michal Cox, Luke Moore, Roberto Martinez, Gary Neville, Andy Gray, and that linesman he really egregiously made fun of. No one watches, and yet the BBC spends hundreds of thousands of dollars to use CNN holograph technology to beam in Zinadine Zidane.

10. A UCL parade. The master of ceremonies is the same every year: Sepp Blatter, in various shades of nakedness, depending on when the ceremony is. Later in the day, the drunker he is. See, there's a
private, member's only bacchnalia the morning of the final, the guest list of which is set entirely by Sepp Blatter. Usually a few lingerie models and an entirely clueless Robbie Savage show up.

Pique and Shakira dancing? Been done before.

What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:
The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.
O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.
“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruyff

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