The Tuesday 10: Harkes on History, Part Deux

By "The Other 87 Minutes" / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents  

You didn’t think it’d be that simple, did you? That we’d be rid of him so easily, that the break would be so complete, that he wouldn’t return in a new, improved, ultimate form to wreak havoc once again, at least across the Washington D.C. metro area. This spring, John Harkes made good on the words of another famous Terminator, and he is indeed back, calling D.C.United games for Comcast along with Dave Johnson.

That’s good news for us, because it gives us a chance to revisit one of our favorite Tuesday Ten ideas. This is Harkes on History, Part Deux.

2,345 B.C.: Noah’s Ark launches

I don’t understand it, Dave. You’ve got limited space in the Ark, why do you go with two of everything? Two zebras, two lions, two giraffes...The key to success is versatility, Dave, and Noah just doesn’t have that. Sometimes late in the game it’s a good idea to bring on a Tyrannosaurus Rex, you know what I mean?

"These Spartans have a rock-hard backline, Dave."

480 B.C.: Battle of Thermopylae
I mean, you’re right, Dave, the Spartans have done well at keeping their shape. But at a certain point, you’ve got to throw caution to the wind and try to get some forward push. You can’t park the bus for two days and expect for an army as talented as the Persians not to break through.

1066 A.D.: Battle of Hastings.
Well Dave, you can’t take over a country by force without winning at least one battle, and to do that you've got to kill more than the other guy. If William keeps this performance up, someone's going to come up with a really great nickname for him.

1492 A.D.: Columbus lands in America.
Wow, what an achievement, Dave. The first man ever to set foot on this whole new continent. The leadership he displayed in getting his men here, and the diplomacy in dealing with this whole new population, I just can’t say enough about him. Where would MLS be without Christopher Columbus?

"I bet Jesus was more of a meat and potatoes guy, Dave."

1498 A.D.: Leonardo da Vinci finishes the Last Supper.
I don’t really agree with what da Vinci’s done here, Dave. Jesus Christ, one of the big names in all of history, is having his final meal with twelve of his closest friends here. Does Leo really think all they had there was some bread and some wine? He should paint some burgers in there. I’d bet they had burgers.

1588 A.D.: Defeat of the Spanish Armada.
It’s a tough loss to swallow, but they’ll be back, Dave. The Spanish are too resilient not to get over this one. Soon we’ll all be able to say that the sun never sets on the Spanish empire.

1777 A.D.: Drafting of the Articles of Confederation.
I’ve got to say, Dave, the Founders have outdone themselves here. They know the American people don’t want to live under a strong central authority, and they’ve drafted a magnificent document that’s going to allow the individuality of the states to shine through.

July 3, 1863: Battle of Gettysburg.
This is more like it from Lee, Dave. He must have seen the Battle of Thermopylae earlier this season. He knows he can’t hold up against the Union forever, so he’s taking the initiative and ordering General Pickett to counterattack down the center. A great strategic move.

"I believe he got the idea after flying a kite in a thunderstorm, Dave."

Oct. 22, 1879: First successful test of Edison’s electric light bulb.
I love this Dave. The light bulb is going to be huge. It’s a brilliant idea, just absolutely brilliant, you know, like a light bulb should be. This little light of Edison’s? I’m going to let it shine.

August 29, 1997: Skynet becomes self-aware.
I don’t understand what all the fuss is about, Dave. When I was playing, we didn’t need an artificial intelligence system in charge of our stealth bombers and nuclear arsenal. I’m sure they’ll just pull the plug on it and that will be that.

About "The Other 87 Minutes"

What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:

The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.

O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.

“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruyff

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John Harkes Is.... "The Commentator"

"I'm just as surprised as you all are that I'm coming back."

Editor's Note: With all due respect and a thousand plaudits to "Dirty Tackle" (It's only fair... they spun off one of our series, too) we present the potentially true life and times of America's favorite soccer commentator, John Harkes.


I'm baaaaaaaaack! Haha to all you haters. Here you thought you gave ol' John Harkes the "long-walk-off-a-short-pier" sorta thing.

Death, taxes, and John Harkes. Those are the only certainties in life. And death by listening to John Harkes... I heard that might have happened once, but I say it's an urban legend.

John Harkes cannot be held down. Of course, by now, you've heard the news that I'm back in broadcasting for Comcast SportsNet to do "color" for D.C. United games. It's not ESPN, but then again those guys were pricks. Always getting upset for me taking home office supplies. Don't worry... I've got "free pens" written into this contract with CSN. Free pens for Harksey!

I'm a little disappointed to no longer be working with that Ian Darke character. He sure knew how to do a really good impression of a British accent (Yup. Spoiler! It's fake!). Poor Taylor Twellman, though, he's got some big Harkes-sized shoes to fill now. I mean his feet are waaay bigger than mine. Haha!


A few months back you were all celebrating my demise. I retreated to the tree house decorated with posters of myself, to plot my comeback. It was just like after I got kicked off the 1998 World Cup team and came back to play in the 2002 World Cup. Wait... that might not have happened... I have a hard time figuring out what it real and what are parts of a screenplay I wrote about a dashing American soccer player and his rise to stardom.

Have you seen my goal in the FA Cup for Sheffield Wednesday?

Man! Play-By-Play guy Dave Johnson and I are going to have so much fun. It's a "getting the band back together" sorta thing with him and I when we worked together back in 2003. I wonder if he remembers me and all the good times we had. Him talking about about all the on-field action and me rambling unprompted about my playing days for D.C. Haha! Good times!

Ben Olson better watch out. I'm going to be all over him and his coaching this season. Second-guessing, calling out tactics and player moves, and professionally, yet, pretty unprofessionally calling for his head on broadcasts all season. I might even sneak in a few remarks about him dressing waaaay too nicely. You know a little "put some doubt in the Missus' head" sorta thing.

America! You might want to move to the Washington D.C.-area just to hear and see me again. And if you can't... well... there's always "MLS Live".... I'll be there, too.

Until next time.... remember 1989!

Read the previous entries of "The Commentator".


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VIDEO - The Entire MLS Cup '96? Yes, Please!

John Harkes, lifting the first MLS "Cup"

Seventeen years ago seems like a long time. In soccer history, though, it is just a drop in the bucket. For Major League Soccer seventeen years means everything.

In 1996 our domestic league was in its infancy. A Washington D.C. club with a European-sounding "United" slapped on the end faced off against the "Galaxy" (an American sports team name if you've ever heard one) of Los Angeles on a soggy football field in Boston, Massachusetts.

Years later we would call the '96 D.C. United one of the league's most successful teams, and the beginning of its first dynasty. LA would have to wait six years for their first title and, in 2011, perhaps a shot a establishing their own domestic reign.

Eddie Pope would etch his name (and D.C. United's on the "cup") in the early lore of MLS history with his dramatic, extra-time winner, bringing United back from a 2-0 deficit in the final 17 minutes, to win 3-2.

Seventeen. There's that number again. A fine number to remember such an amazing part of American soccer history.

A YouTube channel called "Kick" has uploaded the entire MLS Cup 1996 (and several other "classic" matches) for your viewing pleasure (below). If you've seen it before... watch it again. If you're newer to MLS and American soccer it's required viewing to understand how far we've come in such a short time.

Seventeen years isn't too long after all.

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John Harkes is... The Commentator

Editor's Note: With all due respect and a thousand plaudits to "Dirty Tackle" (It's only fair... they spun off one of our series, too) we present the potentially true life and times of America's favorite soccer commentator, John Harkes.


A few years back I decided to start my own blog. You know... a little "let's get inside ol' Johnny's head" sorta thing. Share a few ESPN-free thoughts, highlight some music that I'm listening too.. like my buddy Alexi does. Then before I really could get going I ran into a little trouble and had to lay low for awhile. You know... a little "life happens" sorta thing.

Anyways... now that the Eric Wynalda "slander machine" has been dialed down I can get back to writing. It reminds me a lot of back in 2002 when I was playing with the Columbus Crew. I was struggling with injuries so I decided to quit... I mean... retire from soccer. You know a little "when the going gets tough, the tough get going away from the things that are tough" sorta thing.

But I'm back! Like when I came back from not playing to commentate on people who are playing like I was still playing. On Fox Soccer and then ESPN and then my bathroom mirror and then ESPN again. Can't hold ol' Harkesy down.

You might be wondering what the deal is with the split photo at the top of the post is all about? Or not. Either way I'm going to tell you. It's one of the perks of following the ol' Harkes-inator through this blog. See the thing is I'm just never sure when a soccer game might break out so underneath piece of clothing I wear I've got an old jersey on. If I ever loosened my tie on the tee-vee then you might be able to catch a glimpse of it!

You know... a little "Superman" sorta thing.

I figure... hey... this car has some gas left in the tank and why not take the ol' Harkes-mobile out for a spin every once in awhile. I can't just be sitting by the ol' Harkes Bat-Phone waiting for Major League Soccer to have a "Legends" game again. You know... a little "grab the bull by the horns" sorta thing. Only I'm grabbing soccer games by the horns....

I don't think that metaphor is working...

But, yeah, I'm jumping in games all up and down the Northeast when I'm not on the tee-vee with that jabber-box Ian Darke or hiding from that hit-man that bastard Wynalda set out on me. Weekend warrior pick-up games, co-ed indoor soccer, youth tournaments... you name it, the Harkesy is out there. Playing like a true number six should.

Hey... I gotta wrap this up. I'm not really even supposed to be on a computer right now. I'm at ESPN HQ in Bristol right now and "technically" I'm not allowed on company property "at this moment", "pending an investigation" into "certain vending machine accusations".

Until next time.... remember 1989!


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Who We're Buying a Beer For...

Now leading off this column and "Who We're Buying a Beer For" future columns... funny beer pictures.

So many sad souls this week and so few beers to comfort their sorrows. First, it was the tabloid saga of John Terry, captain of the England National Team and Chelsea FC, having an affair with the girlfriend of former teammate and current Manchester City defender Wayne Bridge. The way the British newspapers reported the story you thought that this single event might force the Three Lions out of the World Cup or become such a distraction that you might as well give three points to each of their group opponents this summer.

Shortly there after everything was right in the English world as the National Team manager Fabio Capello stripped Terry of the captain's armband and handed it to the injured Rio Ferdinand. Wayne Bridge, who you'll remember was the guy who lost the most in this situation (his girlfriend and possible a spot on the National Team... he was always a fringe player and now why would the coach select him now?), missed the sympathy boat.

John Terry, however is floating high on the the worries of the entire nation. How will the beleaguered defender cope in South Africa? Will he feature against Arsenal this weekend? Will this ruin England's chances FIVE MONTHS FROM NOW? An ESPN Soccernet article even went as far to report that Capello was protecting Terry from being "destroyed":

Terry was described as "a little fish in the sea hunted by a shark", and there was a real fear for the England boss that if he failed to relieve the pressure in some way, that the nation's best centre-half would arrive in South Africa a broken man.

As we wrote on our Twitter feed... wait a minute... who banged who's girlfriend?

All of this is a long-winded rant to get to the real beer-buying individuals... the poor souls involved in America's version of the international soccer/sex scandal: Harkes-gate.

* So our first round of beers goes to all the characters involved in this saga: Eric Wynalda, John Harkes, and former USMNT coach Steve Sampson.

Let us be the first to say that we don't condone Mr. Harkes' actions, but since we do subscribe to the "David Beckham School of American Soccer News"... any news that breaks the national media soccer embargo, even bad news, is good for the sport in the United States.

A quick re-cap... right before the 1998 disaster at the World Cup in France (three and out, one goal), DC United star John Harkes was dropped from the squad. He had been recently named "Captain for Life" by Sampson so the news was quite a shock to the American soccer world (you thought it was small now...).

Fast forward to 2010 and in light of the John Terry is a cheating-son-of-a-bitch-news from England Wynalda acknowledges on Fox Soccer Channel's "Fox Football Fone-In" that the reason Harkes was dropped from the '98 team was because Mr. "Hey, Remember My Goal From Wembley?" was tagging Waldo's wife (Walda?). Sampson then comes out of hiding and confirms the story. Apparently this is one of the worst kept secrets in American soccer (one that I had, NEVER, EVER heard before... so that just tells you where we stand in the soccer world!), but now all of the dirty laundry is hanging out there for the nation to see.

Now there's a chapter is Harkes' book that I wish he would have penned. I feel like I might be owed some money for him excluding this juicy tale. Sampson is sitting back hoping that this little tale exonerates him for such a shitty performance in France, but everyone knows that it wasn't Harkes-gate that did him in, but a 3-6-1 formation and not using superstar-in-his-prime Brian McBride until the last, and futile, game... a sorry 2-1 loss to Iran (Iran!). Even Grant Wahl says so and he knows everything!

So in the end... Waldo divorces his wife, like three years later, and is now an assistant coach for the U-2o Nats, Harksie is arguing with JP Dellacamera on "Soccer Night in America" on ESPN2, and Sampson sunk the Los Angeles Galaxy and is probably trying to breathe life into the 3-6-1 with some U-8 team in suburban Ohio.

All of these sad sacks get one big USMNT sponsored Budweiser.



* Think Eric Wynalda has issues? How about DaMarcus Beasley, who had his car FIREBOMBED this week, apparently over a woman who has ties to underground figures in Glasgow, Scotland. The Rangers midfielder saw his $80,000 BMW go up in flames. File this under the category: "It Sucks to Be You, DMB" (surprisingly... we've got a few entries in this file).

The Daily Record writes:

The report cites an anonymous source who claims that Beasley was involved with a lady who had ties to an underground figure in the city, and that it was a professional job done by local gangsters.

Just when you think things are getting better, you know, getting some PT with Rangers, scoring some goals and then, WHAM! your car's on fire! We're serving up a beer for Beasley because he might need it to put out the next fire that these "underground figures" will set.

The FBM guesses that it might just be prudent for Coach Sweatpants to double check everyone's lady-friends before the start of the World Cup in June because between lessons from 1998 and Run DMB's fling Charlie Davies' fitness might not be item "numero uno" anymore.

* Just to end on some good news we're going to hand out the third of beer honors this week to USMNT and Hull City striker Jozy Altidore who bagged his first English Premier League goal against the Billionaire Boys of Manchester City. His 30th minute goal, which was declared a "JOLAZO!" by Mark T of The Shin Guardian (Great stuff... they even made a T-shirt with proceeds going to Haiti relief), was instrumental in the Tigers holding off a late Man Citeh charge.

I declared on Twitter to "That's on Point" writer Mike Cardillo (second best soccer blogger behind the TSG bhoys) that if JZA's goal wasn't in ESPN's Top Ten on SportCenter (they gotta start giving the US players some love on there!) I would never watch the network again. No confirmation whether or not it did feature (I don't have cable... I steal all of my soccer. Shhh!), but I might have to walk back that statement because the Worldwide Leader in Sports is the home for this summer's World Cup.

UPDATE: I found last night's "Top Ten" which omitted number 9 , but did include some guy dancing a halftime, three hockey goals none by an American, a hole-in-one, and three NBA dunks (two by the same guy... that couldn't have been a combo highlight).

SECOND UPDATE: I was told in the comments section that the omitted ninth highlight was Jozy's goal. There was probably a rights-issue for replaying the highlight on YouTube (silly EPL and their lawyers). If you we're here earlier there was this huge anti-ESPN rant about them fucking over soccer, but in light of this news I'll let them off the hook. Although, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED ESPN!

A Season on the Brink - The Free Beer FC Story

Free Beer Movement Original Entertainment Presents:

From the producers of "Frankie Hejduk: Greatest American Since George Washington" and the director of "BeerFest: No, not the one you really liked with those guys from 'Super Troopers', but a different one with the same name because the guys who made it are good film makers, but not very creative with move title stuff" comes a sports journey for the ages.

A big city, small time recreational soccer team with just one dream; a dream to not be totally sucky.

Actually... two dreams, but that one isn't really soccer-related. It mostly centers around drinking, but that's not important. Yet.

Watch as they rise and fall against the most mediocre that Minneapolis has to offer in adult co-recreational soccer. Follow their trials and tribulations, their triumphs and their heart breaks, but most importantly meet the people and the stories behind the most regular of all indoor soccer teams: Free Beer FC.

Week in and week out follow FBFC as they battle a gauntlet of Twin Cities opponents: church groups, bar flies, youth soccer parent teams, and, of course, dudes past their prime playing days just trying to get back a semblance of their former selves.

All questions answered in a gripping multi-part series:

* How many goals will they slot past a pastor playing keeper for the first time?

* Which FBFC midfielder uses his time off the field to tuck away some chew?

* Can the bonds of marriage survive one spouse's inability to track back and play defense?

* Is a sweatband AND wrist bands really necessary? Really?

* Does this team of relative unknowns have what it takes to finish mid-table in their division?

Join ESPN commentator John Harkes as he chronicles the story of Free Beer FC, a team that you've never heard of and will probably not remember shortly after the series is over.

Coming soon to the Free Beer Movement site.