Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Tuesday XI: Ninja Edition

Yesterday, Dec. 5, was the National Day of the Ninja. To celebrate, we arranged some of our favorite shadow warriors into a Napoli-style, counter-attacking 3-4-3, capable of putting the ball in the back of the net before you even know what hit you.
Truly he is the Great White Ninja.
GK – Haru – Typically we don’t go for the “Fat guy as goalie” joke, but we’re confident the Beverly Hills Ninja has the agility to succeed in the position.
LCB – Frank Dux – Our defense is built less on stealth and more on solid, tough guy type ninjas. Dux invented his own American form of ninjitsu, won a Kumite tournament, was played by Jean Claude Van Damme, and is apparently a real person to boot.
SW – Batman – He’s made our team once before, and as we said then, if his ninja-training can make him good at everything else ever, then it only follows that he’d be a star footballer too.
RCB – Scott James – Okay, so he’s really Chuck Norris, but even beyond that qualification, he single-handedly defeated a group of ninja terrorists led by his half-brother. You think Cristiano Ronaldo’s going to be a problem for him?
LWB – Snake Eyes – Does the grunt work here up and down the flank, just as he does for the G.I. Joes.
LCM – Shredder – His combination of strength, touch and agility makes him a formidable presence in the center of the field. He may not always get along with his midfield partner, but their contrasting styles are incredibly effective together.
RCM – Splinter – A little old, but since his game revolves around getting others involved he’s like having a coach on the field. Plus, he plays a valuable role as a mentor for four of our brightest U20 prospects.
He's more imposing in virtual form.
RWB – Scorpion – Our Mortal Kombatant uses a well-placed harpoon anytime his man threatens to break away into the space left by his forward runs.
LW – Daredevil – The ninja-trained hero may not be able to see the action on the field, but his heightened senses give him super positional awareness.
CF – Hattori Hanzo – So much more than the swordsmith from Kill Bill, this ninja-samurai and part-time protector of the royal throne is basically the historical antecedent for everything you loved as a child. The historical Hanzo was supposedly a master spear-fighter, so it makes sense that he’s the tip of our attack.
RW – Ryu Hayabusa – The Ninja Gaiden star plays in what seems to be slow motion, and is renowned for his ability to take on and beat multiple defenders on the dribble.

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