Saturday, December 5, 2009

Yankee Doodle Landy and Our "Declaration of Soccer Independence"

Dateline: June 12th, 2010

Like it? Yeah? We made it. We're pretty awesome.

Channeling the spirit of Joe Gaetjens, American Soccer Freedom Fighter:

"When, in the course of World Cup events, it becomes necessary for one soccer nation to dissolve the playing bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the Beautiful Game, the separate and equal station to which the laws of FIFA and of nature's God (Charlize Theron) entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of soccer pundits around the world requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all players are created equal, that they are endowed by Pele with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of more goals. That to secure these rights, soccer is instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of Bob Bradley. That whenever any form of soccer becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the USMNT to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new soccer, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form (other than England's 4-4-2), as to them shall seem most likely to effect their formation and width. Sunil Gulati, indeed, will dictate that soccer long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that American soccer fans and media are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of Sepp Blatters and Jack Warners, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their national team duty, to throw off such soccer, and to provide new center-backs for their future goalkeeping. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these American soccer fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present English National Team and Premier League is a history of repeated injuries and hard tackles, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these USMNT and Major League Soccer. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world."

Original Piece: "Yankee Doodle" by Archibald Willard (1836-1918)

This quote works, too:

"Today, we celebrate our independence day!" - President Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman in "Independence Day")

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- Former Dallas Burn (aka FC Dallas) coach Dave Dir

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