Monday, January 17, 2011

The MLS Super "Draft" - Presented By National Bohemian

"The kid has got a good head on his shoulder," one scout said of the Chicago Fire's "draft" pick.
(Editor's Note: We've gone back and reviewed every pick from the first round of the Major League Soccer SuperDraft and picked drinks/beers from the kids' college/home town to fill in for them. We'll call them our own "draft" picks". All for fun, folks. Enjoy!)

Hello, everyone! Welcome to Baltimore and welcome to the 2011 Major League Soccer Super "Draft"! My name is Mr. Boh and I am the official representative of Baltimore's own, National Bohemian Brewing Co. I'll be your host for today's festivities.

We've got some of the nation's best "on tap" for "drafting" this afternoon. Each pick has EXCLUSIVE scouting profiles from Free Beer Movement experts!

Round 1

1. Vancouver Whitecaps
"Draft" Pick: Omar Salgado is "Jose Cuervo"
Position: Tequila
School: University of Guadalajara (Jalisco, Mexico)
Profile: "Omar packs a punch. Early on he won't seem like much, but late in the game he'll make his mark. He'll leave you (and defenders) with their hand on their knees, begging for the night to be over."

2. Portland Timbers 
"Draft" Pick: Darlington Nagbe is "Stud Service" 
Position: Stout
School: University of Thirsty Dog Brewing Co. (Akron, OH)
Profile: "This kid is a real stud. So strong in the midfield. His distribution is excellent. His service on the wings; phenomenal."

3. DC United
"Draft" Pick: Perry Kitchen is  "Whippet"
Hi, I'm Mr. Boh. I'll be your host for
 the MLS Super "Draft",
presented by National Bohemian.
Don't pay attention to the fact I've
changed suits from the above picture.
School: University of Thirsty Dog Brewing Co. (Akron, OH)
Profile: "Have you seen his crosses lately? He can really whippet into the box. It should create a lot of chances for United this season."

4. Chivas USA
"Draft" Pick: Zarek Valentin is "Hoppus Maximus"
Position: India Pale Ale
School: University of Thirsty Dog Brewing Co. (Akron, OH)
Profile: "Good luck winning the aerial battle with this one. He's got big hops and forwards are going to struggle to get the advantage on him."

5. Philadelphia Union
"Draft" Pick: Zach MacMath is "Helles" 
Position: Lager
School: University of Franklin's Brewery (College Park, MD)
Profile: "This kid is helles on wheels. Keeps his line clean. Not surprised he tapped out so quickly."

6. New England Revolution
"Draft" Pick: AJ Sores is Thunderhead
Position: India Pale Ale
School: University of Pyramid (Berkeley, CA)
Profile: "The great thing about this player is he's multi-dimensional. On the attack he's a threat in the air. Look for him to get a few goals on corners. A real thunderhead, that kid."

7. Houston Dynamo
"Draft" Pick: Kofie Sardokie is "Labrador"
Position: Lager
School: University of Thirsty Dog Brewing Co. (Akron, OH)
Profile: "His work rate is unbelievable. Running all day. Like a damn labrador or something. Just won't quit hounding his opponent."

"Leghumper" marks his man.
8. Vancouver Whitecaps (from Toronto)
"Draft" Pick:  Michael Nanchoff is "Old Leghumper"
Position: Porter
School: University of Thirsty Dog Brewing Co. (Akron, OH)
Profile: "Crunching tackles in the midfield. He can really turn the game around and dispossess the other team. His marking is second-to-none. A real leghumper."

9. Chicago Fire
"Draft" Pick:  Jalil Anibaba is "Sky Blue"
Position: Golden Ale
School: University of Carolina Brewery (Chapel Hill, NC)
Profile: "This youngster is golden. A real good head on his shoulders. Smooth; not too hoppy, but that's a good thing in this case."

10. Sporting KC
"Draft" Pick: CJ Sapong is "Smokin"
Position: Scottish Ale
School: Cally's Restaurant and Brewery University (Harrisonburg, VA)
Profile: "One word. Fast. He's smokin'. Starts off fast. Finishes strong. Everything you want in a draft."

11. Houston Dynamo (from Seattle to Portland to Houston)
"Draft" Pick: Will Bruin is "Infinite Wisdom"
Position: Belgian Trippel
School: Upland Brewery University (Bloomington, IN)
Profile: "This player is real smart. He's right out of college, but he plays like an old pro. Lots of wisdom in that head. Years and years of aging really hit the spot."

12. Columbus Crew
"Draft" Pick: Rich Balchan is "Rad Red"
Profile: Amber Ale
School: Upland Brewery University (Bloomington, IN)
Profile: "It might be an outdated term, but this kid is rad. And well he's a Hoosier so red is in his blood, too. This is a real strong addition to our draft lineup we offer at Crew Stadium."

"This prospect finished real well. Pairs well with anything up top."
13. New York Red Bulls
"Draft" Pick: Corey Hertzog is "Double D"
Position: Imperial India Pale Ale
School: Otto's Pub State University (University Park, PA)
Profile: "A good winger. A real threat in front of the goal. Probably will need double D, two defenders on this player"

14. Chivas USA (from Real Salt Lake for $)
"Draft" Pick: Victor Estupinan is "Club"
Position: Pale Lager
School: Cervezas Nacionales Educador (Quito, Ecuador)
Profile: "Victor is a real team player. Someone we can see with his club for a long time."

15. Columbus Crew (from San Jose for $ and Steven Lenhart... bringing a sixer)
"Draft" Pick: Justin Meram is "Sacred Cow"
Position: India Pale Ale
School: University of Arbor Brewing (Ann Arbor, MI)
Profile: "This player is going to find himself a real value asset to his team. A sacred cow, if you will, that will make him indispensable in the attack."

16. Los Angeles Galaxy
"Draft" Pick: Paolo Cardozo is "Quilmes"
Position: Lager
School: Quilmes University (Quilmes, Argentina)
Profile: "He may not look like much, but he's light, quick. Sometimes a tendency to go down too quick. But when he's hot... no one can or will want to touch him."

17. FC Dallas
"Draft" Pick: Bobby Warshaw is "Hell or High Watermelon"
Position: Wheat
School: 21st Amendment University (Palo Alto/San Francisco, CA)
Profile: "Bobby's a real team player. He'll give you 110 percent come hell or high water."

18. Colorado Rapids
"Draft" Pick: Eddie Ababo is "Oktoberfest"
Position: Oktoberfest
School: University of Carolina Brewery (Chapel Hill, NC)
Profile: "If this team can make another late season run. I'll tell you this kid is going to be very valuable come October."

Photo Credit: Original Photos from

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1 comment:

  1. bahahahaha! excellent stuff fellas.


"Anyone who tells me soccer is boring, I'm going to punch them in the face."
- Former Dallas Burn (aka FC Dallas) coach Dave Dir

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