Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Scouting Report for US. v Paraguay (Our Guest Piece for American Outlaws)

Editor's Note: In a pinch we were asked by the American Outlaws to pen their "scouting report" for today's match against Paraguay. Don't forget to check out our beer recommendations about halfway through as well.

You may know me from such films as American Outlaws: Austin Edition, but my most famous work comes from my appearances on the hit website, Free Beer Movement. Yeah it’s me… “the free beer guy,” here to prep you about the latest bit of South America we’re about to tread all over!

The Basics:

Tomorrow night the United States Men’s National Team takes to the field against South American side Paraguay from LP Field in Nashville, Tenn. Kick off it at 7pm CT.

Not there to get shit-faced with the AOs on the ground? Get your ass off the fucking couch and get to your local chapter bar! The game will be televised on Fox Soccer Channel.

Break It Down!

Paraguay’s no Argentina, but that’s not to say that La Albirroja are South American slouches. This side, like their continental counterparts, was 2010 World Cup quarter-finalists and this squad returns 13 players from that campaign, including eight starters.

There’s no truth to the rumors that Paraguay will be calling up this super hottie fan to distract high-flying USMNT soccer stud and current 18-year old horn dog, Juan Agudelo. Paraguay isn’t sexy like its famous fan, but plays pretty defensively (although that didn’t help it in its 3-1 pounding it took against Mexico). Let’s hope the US can send the Paraguayans home with two ol’ fashioned ass kickings.

Edson Buddle has been sent packing to Germany so look for Altidore to feature up top with Agudelo (although don’t be surprised or outraged if Juan doesn’t start in favor of Mix Diskerud) and the US to press a lot more than the “park the bus” that they played against Argentina. Paraguay is much more of a solid match up for the US to realistically prepare for this summer’s Gold Cup. Here’s hoping that Jozy gets nostalgic for Nashville and bags another hat trick like last time he was in town.

We’re hoping that we’ll see the “TnTnT” combo on the back line with Tim Howard, Tim Ream, and Tim Chandler all getting serious minutes (“Tim Timiny Tim Timiny Tim Tim Cha Roo…. We have Tim, Tim, and Tim and they ALL say FUCK YOU!”), but don’t be surprised if Bob Bradley ruins my cool 2014 nickname for the defense and puts Marcus Hahnemann (and Jonathan Bornstein) between the sticks just so he doesn’t skip his flight the next time coach calls him up.

Beer Me!

What kind of Free Beer Movement would we be if we didn’t provide at least a few cold brew recommendations for the game?

Not a very good one would be the answer you were looking for.

Rogue Ales “American” Amber Ale (Portland, OR): Take a great big delicious swig of this patriotic brew. Rogue is one of the West Coast’s best beers and this red, white, and blue bottled beauty is the perfect starter for what should be a great night.

Yazoo Brewing Co. “Sue” Porter (Nashville, TN): Ever heard the Johnny Cash song “A Boy Named Sue”? Basically guy is named Sue (duh) but spends his whole life angry that no one respects him ‘cause he has a girl’s name. Ends up one night fighting a guy in a bar after dude makes fun of him. Turns out dude is his dad. Tells his son he named him “Sue” so he’d turn out tough.  I’d kinda like to think that the U.S is like Sue always kicking people’s asses because we came late to the soccer game; trying to prove a point.

The History:

The U.S. holds a 2-1-2 lifetime record against Paraguay, posting three shutouts. In addition to a 3-0 victory in the 1930 World Cup, the USA collected a 2-0 win on July 6, 2003 in Columbus (we own that town!). The teams last met at the (disastrous) 2007 Copa America, where the U.S. team fell 3-1 to the Paraguayans.

The Good Guys’ Roster:

GOALKEEPERS (3) : Marcus Hahnemann (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Tim Howard (Everton), David Yelldell (MSV Duisburg)

DEFENDERS (8): Carlos Bocanegra (Saint-Etienne), Jonathan Bornstein (UANL Tigres), Timothy Chandler (FC Nürnberg), Jay DeMerit (Vancouver Whitecaps), Eric Lichaj (Leeds), Oguchi Onyewu (FC Twente), Tim Ream (New York Red Bulls), Jonathan Spector (West Ham United)

MIDFIELDERS (8): Michael Bradley (Aston Villa), Clint Dempsey (Fulham), Mikkel Diskeruud (Stabaek), Landon Donovan (Los Angeles Galaxy), Maurice Edu (Rangers), Benny Feilhaber (AGF Aarhus), Jermaine Jones (Blackburn Rovers), Sacha Kljestan (Anderlecht)

FORWARDS (2): Juan Agudelo (New York Red Bulls), Jozy Altidore (Bursaspor)

The Bad Guys’ Roster:

Keepers: Justo Villar (Valladolid, España) y Diego Barreto (Cerro Porteño, Paraguay).
Defense: Víctor Hugo Marecos (Brescia, Italia), Marcos Cáceres (Racing, Argentina), Paulo da Silva (Zaragoza, España), Antolín Alcaraz (Wingan, Inglaterra), Miguel Samudio (Libertad, Paraguay), Aureliano Torres (San Lorenzo, Argentina) y Darío Verón (Pumas, México).
Midfield: Edgar Barreto (Atalanta, Italia), Osmar Molinas (Olimpia, Paraguay), Marcos Riveros (Nacional, Paraguay), Cristian Riveros (Sunderland, Inglaterra), Enrique Vera (Liga de Quito, Ecuador), Hernán Pérez, (Villareal, España), Néstor Ortigoza (San Lorenzo, Argentina) y Marcelo Estigarribia (Newell[s, Argentina).
Forwards: Osvaldo Martínez (Monterrey, México), Oscar Cardozo (Benfica, Portugal), Edgar Benítez (Pachuca, México), Lucas Barrios (Borussia Dortmund, Alemania).

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