Beer-tastic World Cup Jerseys: Group A

Here we are! Under two weeks to the greatest sporting spectacle the world has ever seen. No... not the monster truck rally at your local convention center. The World Cup! The pageantry, the globe's greatest teams and players, the crazed and delusional fans (looking at you, England).

But what about the team's jerseys? Every four years, and sometimes even more frequently, the National teams of nearly every country roll out new threads for materialistic consumers to salivate over and spend their hard earned dollars, yen, Euros, etc on.

How will you ever sort through all of them to decide which jersey you'll treasure for the next month?

Worry no more! The Free Beer Movement's Nick Sindt is going to walk you through all 32 teams' home and away jerseys and rate them based on (what else?) beer!

The Ratings System

Here’s how the ratings will work; I’ll be ranking each kit on its design/uniqueness and purchasability (from a home fan’s standpoint) and the rankings will of course be done in beers as follows:

- John Smith’s Extra Smooth = An Excellent design that deserves to be toasted with a fine beer; you don’t need to pound these back to look at it, but it’s beer and it’s the World Cup so we know you’re going to.

- Summit [Insert Local Brewery Name Here] Extra Pale Ale = A solid design though it may not satisfy everyone’s pallets. You’ll only need two or three of these excellent brews before you lose your inhibitions and purchase the kit online in the middle of the night.

- Miller Lite = A shallow and pedantic effort by one of the “big names” in the world, but it’s still an average beer/your national team’s kit so you can’t hate it, right?

- Coors Lite = Thankfully Coors tastes and goes down like water because you’ll be drinking a lot of it to drown out the abomination that is this iteration of your team’s kit.

- Bartles & Jaymes = Shennaigannery! Travashammockery! This kit is such an abomination you’d rather punish your liver, taste buds, and stomach with a wine cooler. If the kit is extra horrible, you’ll even get to whittle some wood with Pauly Shore.

Group A

South Africa Home ------------------ South Africa Away

With the South Africa kits I’m a bit torn, they’re not awful by adidas standards. But, this is the host country, would it be too difficult to give them a something more than their national colors on the “B” template? The stitching around the neck, and the faint subliminal patterns (of what though?) makes this shirt a little unique, but overall I’m bored.

Home and Away Design = Coors Lite

Home and Away Uniqueness = Coors Lite

Home and Away Purchasability = Coors Lite

France Home -------------------- France Away

The French home kit follows adidas’s futuristic tech-fit template, which is the “A” template this year, with some nice splashes of individuality thrown into the mix. The red and white stripes across the stomach continue the nice homage to the 1998 home shirt that we’ve seen in the recent years. And, as always, the three stripes on the shoulder mimic the French flag. The downside to this shirt is the modern tech-fit “thingy” across the back and shoulders mixed with the stripes angling downwards will always remind me of the 80’s and 90’s sci-fi/action Predator movies.

Home Design = Summit EPA

Home Uniqueness = Summit EPA

Home Purchasability = Miller Lite

It seems like the French away kit is always an after-thought for adidas, remember the all red shirt they wore in Euro 2008, and this year’s is no exception. The pinstripes are at least a little unique for an adidas “B” template, but overall this is a boring shirt that’s ugly to boot.

Away Design = Coors Lite

Away Uniqueness = Miller Lite

Away Purchasability = Bartles & Jaymes

Mexico Home ---------------------- Mexico Away

For the home kit, adidas reverted from the astroturf green to a more Christmas-y version of the color, slapped it on the “B” template and added the tech-fit things, and as a bonus this year some sublimations that don’t really look like they have anything to do with Mexican culture (in-fact they look like upside down dradles).

Home Design = Coors Lite

Home Uniqueness = Coors Lite

Home Purchasability = Coors Lite

The Mexico away shirt is a different story altogether even though it’s exactly the same as the home shirt, but in black with mostly red and a little bit of green trim. The choice of a black away shirt deviates drastically from every other Mexico away shirt I’ve ever seen, and makes me think of ninjas. Ninjas + tech-fit thingys = not horrible.

Away Design = Miller Lite

Away Uniqueness = Summit EPA

Away Purchasability = Miller Lite

Uruguay Home ----------------- Uruguay Away

Uruguay has always been known for their Smurftastic home shirts, though Puma splashed them up with the sunburst sumblimations (adidas, are you paying attention? This is how you incorporate something cultural into a subliminal pattern) and a colar. It’ll be interesting to see if this shirt is worn with the traditional black shorts or white ones. The colar and khaki trim are interesting touches and make me wonder whether this should be worn while playing the beautiful game or a round of golf. Either way, a decent shirt. The only thing that is missing are the two gold stars above the crest to comemorate their two World Cup victories.

Home Design = Miller Lite
Home Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Home Purchasability = Summit EPA

The away shirt is extremely plain and is a (typical) reversal of the home shirt’s colors. However, there is some beauty in its simplicity.

Home Design = Miller Lite
Home Uniqueness = Miller Lite
Home Purchasability = Miller Lite

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