The Tuesday 10: Footballers as Fast Food

By "The Other 87 Minutes" / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents

Make every time a good time. We love to see you smile. Have you had your break today? Foods, folks, and fun. Over the years, the marketing team at McDonald’s has produced some of America’s most recognizable campaigns. You’d be hard-pressed to find a fast food consumer who doesn’t know the “I’m lovin’ it” jingle (Doodoo doo doo doo…), or who hasn’t Supersized just to get an extra Monopoly piece. Really, one of the reasons McDonald’s is able to boast “Billions served” on their signboards is their shrewd advertising. Until now. “You’re the Egg McMuffin of…” is perhaps the lamest thing under the Golden Arches since a hirsute Jason Alexander crooned about a hot-and-cold sandwich called the McDLT in the 80s.

But we’ve never been a particularly discerning bunch, so of course we thought the idea was the best thing since sliced…McMuffin. “Why stop with McDonald’s?” we thought, to which we couldn’t come up with a good answer, even after minutes of contemplation. So today we present to you the unauthorized list of soccer player fast food superlatives.

1. Mesut Ozil, you’re the Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger of Real Madrid transfers. If Kaka is a deluxe Triple Stack, then Ozil must certainly be the bang-for-your-buck 99 cent JBC. Okay, so 15 million Euros might seem like a lot, but it’s a paltry sum in the Galactico budget.
2. Lionel Messi, you’re the White Castle/Krystal slider of diminutive forwards. Admit it, part of the appeal is his size. He’s like Napoleon minus the Napoleon complex. And like your favorite slider, he packs a surprising amount of flavor.
3. Paul Robinson, you’re the Taco Bell Beefy 5-Layer Burrito of EPL goalkeepers. When you opt for the Beefy 5-Layer, you’re hoping for complexity and versatility. What you get is slop. Ask for extra napkins because you will spill it. Robinson has been disappointing between the sticks this season, and like this burrito, he’s messy.
4. Clint Dempsey, you’re the Sonic Toaster Sandwich of American stars. Nothing says Texas Toast like Nacogdoches’s own Clint Dempsey. Plus, he’s a standout this season on an otherwise average menu.
5. Carlos Tevez, you’re the KFC Double Down of unpopular players. To most people, you’re repulsive. That’s fair. Like the bunless chicken sandwich, you’re not easy to handle. But boy, it’s fun to indulge sometimes.
6. Joey Barton, you’re the Chik-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwich of hot-heads. Every good menu has an item with a little heat. Joey Barton fits the profile. Would the EPL be nearly as fun without temperamental philosopher-convicts like Joey?
7. Pepe, you’re the Dairy Queen Dipped Cone of paradoxical defenders. Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. He spent the last pair of clasicos stepping on hands for some long stretches, falling over inexplicably during others.
8. Cristiano Ronaldo, you’re the Burger King Whopper of overshadowed superstars. The Whopper doesn’t get enough credit in the king-of-the-burgers discussion. Despite breaking records this year, Ronaldo still plays second fiddle to the back-to-back-to-back Ballon d’Or winning Big Mac.
9. USWNT, you’re the Domino’s 5-5-5 of Olympics qualifying scorelines. Okay, the math isn’t perfect, but they almost knocked in 15 goals against each of the Dominican Republic and Guatemala.
10.  David Beckham, you’re the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger of foreign players in the MLS. I can’t figure you out. You’re either the best thing for America or the worst thing for America. The Monster Thickburger is concentrated death, but it sure is delicious. Beckham’s fickle and sometimes downright unbearable, but he’s certainly doing something right.

About "The Other 87 Minutes"

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The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.

O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.

“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruyff

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