The Tuesday Ten: If the UEFA Champions League was the Super Bowl edition.

By "The Other 87 Minutes" / Senior Unemployed English Major Correspondents

What if the Champions League final were treated with the same reverence as the Super Bowl... Here are ten phenomena guaranteed to occur.

Commercials:

1. David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Tom Brady in his underwear David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Avengers trailer David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham Ricky Gervais in his underwear? David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham David Beckham.

2. Adidas jumps the shark with a tasteless ad mixing the economic crisis in Greece with a Donald Trump 1% ad for his third party ticket to President. An incredibly confused Adidas executive claims that their email was hacked by a combination of Occupy Wall Street, Julian Assange, Malcolm X, and FARC

3. We're written thousands of words about soccer commercials before, but for this we'll keep it simple: Messi and Ronaldo, playing for a Big Mac.
4. Heineken takes a leaf out of Budweiser's book and creates a super nostalgic commercial featuring beefeaters playing a good ole fashioned game of soccer against each other. Think the Clydesdale football commercial meets the Royal Wedding, with a dash of UFC thrown in. Cameos by Vinnie Jones, Prince Harry, David Beckham, Wayne Rooney, and, of course, Paul Scholes.

Alternative programming:

5. The Puppy Bowl won't do for the UCL final, puppies are too American -- boisterous, adorable, and liable to make a mess if you leave them inside too long. For a more  European flavor, we suggest one of Fox Football, Vole Voetbaal, or Sheep Soccer, with a Hare Half-Time show.

6. You can be sure President Blatter is devoting all his resources towards the creation of a Lingerie Football Game during halftime.

Halftime entertainment:

7. Ravi Shankhar headlines with special guest Eric Cantona on trumpet. Shakira shakes her rumpus to some sort of salsa-inspired dance with Gerard Pique (taking a break from Pep's halftime talk). Dancers include Ronaldinho, Robinho, Pele, Ronaldo, and Luis Fabiano.

8. There's a million dollar post challenge sponsored by Heineken. One lucky contestant will have the chance to win the money by having ten kicks of the ball to hit both posts and the crossbar, blindfolded,
from the halfway line. No one expects the contestant to win, but Heineken has jovially promised each attendent to the UCL final a six-pack if he or she succeeds.
  Pre-game festivities:
  9. A six-hour pre-game featuring the analysis of Michal Cox, Luke Moore, Roberto Martinez, Gary Neville, Andy Gray, and that linesman he really egregiously made fun of. No one watches, and yet the BBC spends hundreds of thousands of dollars to use CNN holograph technology to beam in Zinadine Zidane.

10. A UCL parade. The master of ceremonies is the same every year: Sepp Blatter, in various shades of nakedness, depending on when the ceremony is. Later in the day, the drunker he is. See, there's a
private, member's only bacchnalia the morning of the final, the guest list of which is set entirely by Sepp Blatter. Usually a few lingerie models and an entirely clueless Robbie Savage show up.

Pique and Shakira dancing? Been done before.

About "The Other 87 Minutes"

What is this new site we're exposing you too? We'll let them explain:

The Other 87 seeks to provide something that’s not instant analysis or eve of matchday previews. Think of us as the good bits of your favorite soccer coverage: the profiles that examine what makes a certain player tick, the historical background that sheds some light on how the sport has evolved to the present day, the silly features that are more than just tacking names on a list, but considering and explaining why each one deserves to be there.

O87 wants to be a home for soccer writing that makes you think, but that also treats the game as just that, a game. The greatest game, the one we obsess over and fixate on, to the point where we can’t read that gas costs 3.43 a gallon without thinking of Ajax’s 1995 Champions League winning team. But a game nonetheless.

“When you play a match, it is statistically proven that players actually have the ball three minutes on average. The best players – the Zidanes, Ronaldinhos, Gerrards – will have the ball maybe four minutes. Lesser players – defenders – probably two minutes. So, the most important thing is: what do you do those 87 minutes when you do not have the ball…. That is what determines whether you’re a good player or not.” –Johann Cruyff

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CONCACAF Champions League Expert Commentary

Awesome Sporting News soccer reporter Brian Straus adds some context for everyone on Major League Soccer's surgence (not re-surgence... we had to be good before... which we weren't) in the CONCACAF Champions League.

MLS teams are heading south and kicking a**, heading to Mexico and finally kicking a**, and making their mark in the region. Seems like Real Salt Lake's final run last season really inspired our MLS sides.

This. This is how you increase exposure to American soccer. Start building winners. The first Champions League winner out of MLS is going to see some big time props and a big time bump. America loves winners.

Legggo!




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Through the Drinking Glass: Champions League Final in an English Bar

Editor's Note: Our "Going Suds Up" columnist, Kirsten, is all over Europe this summer and occasionally she'll be sending back correspondence about the culture of beer and football across the pond. 


If you've got your own stories of beer and soccer from around the globe we'd love to hear them. Submit stories for "Through the Drinking Glass" to freebeermovement(at)gmail.com.


By Kirsten Schlewitz / Roving European Reporter

The afternoon of the Champions League final started off brightly enough. I emerged from the tube at Piccadilly Station, only to be greeted by seemingly hundreds and hundreds of Barcelona fans, all chanting and waving flags. As I continued on my way to meet friends in a sports bar, I repeatedly saw Spanish tourists go up to groups of Manchester United fans, shaking their hands, embracing, posing for a photo. Now, I’ve been to matches at Wembley before (ok, one match) and this is not the sort of atmosphere you encounter. Maybe because it was still hours from kickoff, and miles away from the stadium. Or maybe it was simply that the mood was festive rather than hostile – there was no real sense that these two sets of supporters were enemies.

It was about 3pm when I arrived at the bar, with nearly five hours to go before the match started. I grabbed a beer and had only finished half when a newcomer arrived, and everyone else placed their drink orders. I tried to wave it off, saying I still had plenty left. Which is when the lovely Jamie Cutteridge taught me about the golden rule of English drinking: if someone offers you a drink, accept. This is a rule I followed for the rest of the evening. This is a rule that led me to having absolutely no clue as to what happened in the biggest match of the year.

As for what I drank, I learned pretty quickly that you don’t say names of beers here. It’s “ale” or “lager” or even cider if you’re feeling fruity. Because this bar was out of ale (clearly, as there wasn’t a big event they were charging 5 quid admission for) I was stuck with lager. And because we’d arrived so many hours before kickoff, there were a good many lagers inside me before that whistle blew. At some points I was even singing along with the United fans, who outnumbered Barcelona supporters by about 100 to 1. Of course, that might be more because they were mocking Scousers and singing “My Old Man,” which Aston Villa fans sing about Birmingham City, rather than feeling any sense of camaraderie with the red shirts.

My memory holds for the first half of the match. I remember when Pedro scored, the United fans knew I definitely wasn’t one of them – and if they didn’t notice then, they certainly noticed when I hurled a few choice obscenities after Wayne Rooney’s goal. The problem with drinking with the English is that they don’t seem to notice that you’re drunk (or that you’re a girl and they’re all male) and just keep providing the beverages. Hence me having no idea what happened for the second half. Messi? Yay! I’m pretty sure I cheered. David Villa? Nope, had no idea that happened until we’d left the bar.

I wish I could tell you that there’s a moral to this Champions League adventure. Perhaps one like, “Don’t drink in excess if you think it’s going to be a good match.” Instead, I might stick by the rule provided by the English: if someone offers you a drink, accept. But with one proviso – be sure there’s someone there to take you home safely. Particularly if you’re wearing four-inch heels. Even if they are wedges.

About Kirsten

I may be a law student at Lewis and Clark, but soccer is my true love, with beer coming in a distant second. That's not to say I don't love beer--I've tasted over a thousand different brews, and listed many of them onRatebeer. Living in Portland, Oregon, I attend quite a few festivals and tastings, and am able to argue passionately about the merits of Cascade hops vs. Chinook. 

As for the soccer, I'm the Managing Editor of SB Nation's Aston Villa site, 7500 to Holte, the Italy Editor for SB Nation Soccer, and cover the Seattle Sounders on SBN Seattle (don't judge--I'm from Seattle!) Finally, I write for Two Footed Tackle when I find words worthy enough for the site. Want more? Follow me on Twitter!

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Going Suds Up: The Best Beers, The Best CHAMPIONS LEAGUE Soccer

By Kirsten Schlewitz / Senior West Coast Beer and Aston Villa Correspondent

(A note on Kirsten’s thought process: “Beer. Champions League. Beer and Champions League. Beer for Champions. Wheaties Beer?” And then the lovely Commie, who you’ve seen around these parts, suggested wheat beers. Genius!)

First things first: the only way this week’s slate of Champions League games can even come close to approaching last week’s is if Ronaldo fails to score while Lyon beat Real Madrid, Fernando Torres and Didier Drogba get into a fist fight after Freckles finally scores for Chelsea, the Inter Milan bus gets over turned by fans chanting “Rafa! Rafa!” while driving away after a loss to Bayern Munich, and everyone forgets about that other match that was played.

In other words, don’t expect too much out of these ties. That’s where the beer comes in – a distraction in case these matches are so boring that you want to poke your eye out with a sharp implement (remember Inter v Bayern last year? Snooze fest). Now I’m making the assumption that for most people reading this column your Champions League watching comes sometime in the middle of your day or, at least, not past the socially acceptable hour of 5 o’clock. Personally I’m all about kicking it with the booze at 7am, but if you’re headed back to work after a long lunch I can’t recommend anything too strong.

Instead, cozy up with these beers, which will give you a bit of a buzz, but not so much that you’ll need to set up a meeting with HR. And because it’s quite likely that you’re drinking these in a bar I’ve deviated from my usual obscure beer recommendations to give you two likely to be on tap.

Tuesday

Chelsea travel to Copenhagen and Lyon host Real Madrid. You know what’s really close to both Denmark and France? Belgium. While I often can’t stand a German Hefeweizen, I love a good witbier. Witbiers are Belgian wheat beers (duh) but instead of tasting like banana and bubble gum, they’re spiced with coriander and citrus peel. Much, much better. And likely available to you! Hoegaarden Brewery's "Hoegaarden" Belgian White (Belgium) is often seen on tap, particularly at any place hoping to give off a European vibe – and what’s more European than white beer and Jose Mourinho?

Hoegaarden is an excellent example of the witbier style, with a spicy, citrus aroma and tastes of orange and coriander. Sweet-and-sour, so you can choose depending on your feelings toward Fernando Torres.

Wednesday


Most beers in Munich are actually Helles or Dunkles (think of the beers that come out styling themselves as “Oktoberfest”) but since we’ve actually got a German side playing on Wednesday, I’ll go ahead and give you a German Hefe. Well, a German-style Hefe, anyway. Sierra Nevada Brewing Co. "Kellerweis" Hefeweizen (Chico, CA) is one of the best American takes on the German style. It both smells and tastes of cloves and bananas, but nothing so overpowering as to be off-putting. This one has a very creamy palate and it’s only 5%.

Although, to be perfectly honest, if Bayern start losing to Inter Milan I might be grabbing something with a higher ABV. That’s a title that I hope is passed on.

About Kirsten

I may be a law student at Lewis and Clark, but soccer is my true love, with beer coming in a distant second. That's not to say I don't love beer--I've tasted over a thousand different brews, and listed many of them on Ratebeer. Living in Portland, Oregon, I attend quite a few festivals and tastings, and am able to argue passionately about the merits of Cascade hops vs. Chinook. 


As for the soccer, I'm the Managing Editor of SB Nation's Aston Villa site, 7500 to Holte, the Italy Editor for SB Nation Soccer, and cover the Seattle Sounders on SBN Seattle (don't judge--I'm from Seattle!) Finally, I write for Two Footed Tackle when I find words worthy enough for the site. Want more? Follow me on Twitter!

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The Chaaaaaaaaampioooooooons!

A great opportunity for some Free Beer Movement! Grab some soccer newbies and treat them to some great beer and a great Champions League Final between Inter Milan of Italy and Bayern Munich of Germany.

All the action kicks off at 1:45pm on your local Fox channel.

If you're in the Austin, TX area the Free Beer Movement will be at the new home of American Outlaws: Austin Chapter, a great soccer bar, the unfortunately-named Mister Tramps (8565 Research Blvd, (512) 837-3500‎).

We'll be taking our own soccer newbies out and passing out our new FBM stickers as well. Join us!

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Going Suds Up: Your Weekly Soccer and Beer Picks

By Kirsten Schlewitz

Hello friends, and welcome to the latest edition of my column—which now has a name! After an extensive twitter vote which included ballots cast aside due to cats not having opposable thumbs, “Going Suds Up” won by a single vote.

If you’d like to participate in future votes/beer/soccer chat, follow me @7500_Kirsten. Credit to Chris King (CaryFC) for crafting the winning title, and honorable mention to Aaron Campeau (7500_Aaron) and Steven Stoehr (stoehrst) for the runners up.

With the shameless self-promotion over, time to move on to this week’s matches. The game of the week this week is…

Seattle Sounders v San Jose Earthquakes: 2pm CDT, Fox Soccer Channel

That’s right, the Seattle Sounders, in their infinite wisdom, have scheduled a match at noon PDT—fifteen minutes after the start of the Champions League final. Before anyone gets snippy with me and says that people should support their hometown side over a club halfway across the world, let’s be clear: this isn’t me wanting to stay home and watch an Aston Villa match. The Champions League final is the biggest annual event that football sees. It’s like scheduling a WHL game during the Stanley Cup final, or hosting your NCAA Division II game during the Super Bowl. It is a slap in the face to a fan of the sport. I love donning my Osvaldo Alonso jersey and heading out to cheer on my Sounders, but this logic defies reason. It would have been so easy to schedule the game later in the day, and allow fans of soccer to watch two of the best teams in the world before tuning in to their local match.

If you’re like me and going to Qwest Field tomorrow, stop off at Elysian Fields before the game, conveniently located just across from the stadium. While many of their standard offerings—porter, pale ale, IPA—are a typical mid-table beer, their special brews are certainly in the running for Champions League competition. But even if you can’t find any of their seasonals on tap, the Elysian Avatar Jasmine IPA is always worth a drink. This fun IPA pours golden brown with plenty of bubbles, leaving behind a beige lacing. The smell is exotic and flowery with a bit of sugar mixed in. The jasmine certainly comes out in the taste as well, but the flower isn’t overpowering, as it is tempered by orange spice and peppery hops. At 6.3% ABV, after a couple you might find your anger dissipating. And if you can’t make it to Elysian tomorrow, Avatar Jasmine is one of the few Elysian beers available in bottles, but alas you probably won’t be able to find it too far outside the west coast. I suggest you come experience a Sounders match day, and hit up Elysian beforehand.

Bayern Munich v Inter Milan: 1:45 CDT, Fox

If you’re not going to be watching your favorite MLS team take the field at inappropriate hours, you’re likely to be joining the rest of the world in watching the Champions League final on Saturday afternoon. Bayern Munich take on Inter Milan at the Bernabeu in Madrid, with both teams seeking a treble. Will the Special One succeed? Will Ribéry regret not being on the field? Hundreds of stories have been written about this match-up already; I’m not here to replicate them. Instead I’m here to tell you about Ayinger Celebrator Dopplebock, arguably the best dopplebock in the world and an excellent example of Bavarian beer (for those of you who didn’t pay attention during Geography, Munich is in the region of Bavaria in Germany).

Celebrator is a deep brown brew that holds a decently foamy tan head. It has a primarily malty aroma, with a bit of chocolate and a slight hint of smokiness. This beer is smooth and creamy, with a very faint alcohol burn at the end. It tastes mostly of toasted malts, chocolate, and smoke. Celebrator is available nationwide, and with an ABV of 6.7%, it is the perfect glass to raise when Bayern Munich take the field. Plus, the bottle has a little goat charm hanging off its neck—challenge your friends to a head-to-head action figure battle during halftime!

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Meet Kirsten:

Ever since Brazil caught my eye during the 1994 World Cup I’ve considered myself a soccer fan, but it wasn’t until the summer 2008 that I decided to find a club. I focused on the Premier League and eventually chose Aston Villa. Initially drawn in by the pretty clarets and blues, I found I liked their organization, their owner and their manager. I fell hard and now it’s too late—I can’t give them up. As for MLS, that was easy, as I live in Seattle.

I also support Exeter FC, SSC Napoli, FC Koln, Estudiantes Tecos and Tooting & Mitcham FC, all for a variety of reasons including cider, tattoos, scarves, owls, and a soccer player texting while on the pitch.

I’m the Managing Editor of SB Nation’s Aston Villa site, 7500 to Holte. I also will be contributing to Two Footed Tackle after the World Cup.

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